Tuesday, October 10, 2006


I am really quite busy this week. I got back from Grand Valley State University, the pit stain of Michigan's college system, on sunday afternoon. It turns out the Mapquest directions don't account for leaving at 2 in the afternoon, and arriving northwest of Chicago at exactly 5 o'clock. Basically, it took 9 hours to get to Grand Rapids. Sweeeeet. The only thing that could cure a butt that sore was several Natty Ices and some Conan. The tournament went well considering we had no goalie (he got mono), we lost by 1 to Illinois, beat Michigan B, lost to Grand Valley A, beat Grand Valley B. It's been a while since I've played in a real game, especially since I couldn't play most of this summer because of my jaw surgery. The ride home wasn't that bad though, and six hours seemed like much less than nine.

This week is like a bear, though. A bear that was woken early from hibernation, then Danza slapped by Terrell Owens. As far as school goes, I have two exams this week and one on monday of next week. Besides, my parents are coming, possibly with my brother, Fiedler and Shelly, and theres a football game this weekend. It should be an awesome weekend though, I plan on being retarded by precisely 10 P.M. Friday night and, hopefully, under the influence until about 1 P.M. Sunday when I wake up.


I wrote that seven days prior to actually posting it, and it's funny to look at now. My brother did come, and it was really fun. We watched the game with Fiedler and his sister, which was fun, and then I got to show him Madison a little bit. What is a student union for by the way? When I was showing Matthew all I coud come up with was "This is a place where you can eat, or like sit... or something. People have meetings here..." And then I realized I don't really know what it even exists for. That got me thinking though, and I ended up going to see the library for the first time since I've been here. Creepy. The upstairs sections where the keep the books looks like the opening scene from Ghostbusters, sans card catalogs dripping with psychic goo. Plus they also have these cages where you can sit and do homework in subatomic temperatures.

This weekend the polo team has a tournament at Northwestern. The games should be fun and a little easier than the other week, so that's good. Plus, my sister katie is running a marathon this weekend. That's not a joke, weird. I've always secretly(not secretly) considered myself the most athletic if not top two, and I could never run a marathon. Normally my reaction would be something along the lines of, "So what, if I trained enough I could do that too." This time though, I really couldn't. Seriously, fuck that. I hate running. It's right up there on the list.

1.) Guys with red hair
2.) Sticky hands
3.) Running
4.) Oral and maxilliofacial surgery

Whatever, though. If Katie starts getting fresh will have a height contest. Or a knowledge of Lord of the Rings or Star Wars contest. If neither of those work, we'll settle it by getting the same job and then seeing who gets paid more. Beyond that though, she might have me.

On Saturday I ended up at the Pi Lambda Phi house to "pregame" (we never left so we straight up gamed there), and I noticed a few things. One, if your bathroom has more fruit flies than your kitchen, it's time to clean. Likewise, if the holes in the wall develop their own scents, it's time to clean. I mean, fuck. Also, I don't care what part of Wisconsin you are from, don't argue with me about the Bears "sucking". Where are the Packers? After rounds of repeating "Chicago teams choke!" your knockout punch is "when is the last time the Bears won a Super Bowl?" First off, yes, Chicago baseball has been recognized as choke artists in the past, and while the Cubs maintain that status, the White Sox won the fucking World Series last year. I'll tell you another thing too, kid with a choker and a clearly dishwashed baseball hat, the last time the Bears won the Super Bowl was 1985, and the last time the Packers won was 1993. Fourteen years ago, and you are trying to say that is much better than the Bears? On the plus side, his frat brothers pulled me aside to ask me not to beat the kid up. That was sweet.

Today feels like "Come On! Feel The Ilinoise!" by Sufjan Stevens is my anthem.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

polo, online poker, tapping a keg

Water polo in Wisconsin is different from water polo in Chicago. On the plus side I don't have to practice nearly as much, I might actually get some decent play time, and the team has an amazing knack for partying. On the other side, we are going to lose games, like, a lot. I don't know how I'm going to react because last year I was spoon fed victories by my teammates. The guys on the team are really cool though, so I'm still excited to go to Grand Valley State this weekend. I predict a "You may have fucked us up in the water today, but we are going to get even more fucked up tonight!" attitude, which will be entertaining for everyone.

In general, life has been pretty sweet the past few weeks. I haven't had any serious injuries, I've been meeting a lot of good people, and I've even been eating healthier and working out regularly, which are all signs that something fucking stupid was going to happen to me.

Really, I'm not that stingy of a guy. I'm willing to spot friends for meals, pay for girls to drink, tip pizza guys well, etc. The college life, though, is expensive. Things like food, alcohol, foot massages, posters of girls making out, collector's edition Chewbacca costumes; it really adds up. My first thought was, then, "Danny you bastard, you should get a job, work 8-12 hours a week and keep yourself busy while learning valuable life lessons." By the time that sentiment reached my mouth it came out as "Hey guys, I'm going to play online poker and earn like a fucking thousand dollars a week off stupid bitches!" I have no doubt that there are lots of people making money at places like Party Poker and Poker Tree, but they are not stingy bastard college kids. Turns out I play poker like Shylock during the Great Depression. (and yes I feel fine insulting Shylock's character, not because he was a Jew but because he was such a douchebag to his daughter.) (and I also know "Merchant of Venice" didn't take place during the Great Depression, what do you think I am a fucking moron?) (asshole.)
So I lost money because apparently you have to spend money to make money. Or something like that, I wouldn't know, I'm the one who lost lots of money on online poker. Go ahead, judge me.

If I took a look at the story arch of each night out since I've been in Madison, I'd say the most reoccuring complaint each night is *learn to tap a keg*. Seriously, you spent a lot of money on that keg. It looks really cool in your hallway, and you can get a lot of sweet photo ops with all the empty kegs in your house/apartment at the end of the night, but for God's sake savor the flavor. I'm proposing a school organized demonstration, (possibly mandatory?) like job training. Sort of like how some English classes or Comm Arts class require taking an "Understanding the Library" demonstration, there should be a "Don't Fuck All Your Friends and Possible F Buddies Because You Rush the Most Important Moment of the Night" demonstration. I may submit that in writing to the Student Council, see what kind of feedback I get.

Also, completely unrelated to anything, but is it sanitary to be washing out my bowls and forks and spoons with the soap in the bathrooms? I might have to invest in some Dawn, but again, Shylock.