Thursday, May 17, 2007

terrace, shamrocks

It's only a few hours until my geology exam, and I'm too anxious to sleep. I'm not particularly anxious for the exam, just the ending the year and moving out part, followed by the three months at home part, and the endless shuffle of work.

The past two weeks have been a blur. I, in my naivety, had planned on not drinking both the week prior to finals, the weekend, and the week of finals. On the friday of the last day of classes, I was grocery shopping with my dear friend Kelly when my water polo teammate called me to inform me that he had just finished his last class at UW, and that he would be drinking a few beers and playing cards at the terrace at the union. So my other teammate Sam and I met up with Alex, planning on a few beers and leaving after an hour or two. Seven hours, countless pitchers, and many laughs later left me stumbling into my dorm at midnight, 36 hours from the start of my exams. While not exactly the best start to finals week, I don't have an ounce of regret.

Monday night, however, after three days of intensive studying and three exams, I was looking to go out. My first exam was a casual conversation with my TA and my partner, Louise. Louise is graduating this week, and upon completion of her thesis was looking to start a week long bender, of which I could only oblige in helping her. I met up with her at the Come Back Inn, a solid bar with live music and a $2 margarita special that will leave you saying, "I wish I hadn't flashed that cop in Taco Bell through the window." After a few drinks, I was about ready to get home when Louise's friends decided to head to another bar, so I decided to tag along while we headed in the same direction. The Come Back Inn was far from my dorm, and as I got lost in conversation I ended up at the door of the next bar.

I was already out, and it started to rain so I stopped inside for a drink while the rain died down. When I walked in the bar I began to put together some clues I had missed along the night. Louise's friend, Brian, had just come home after a trip abroad, and was fairly vocal that he was looking for some ass. I'm a believer in the healing power of TLC, especially after a long trip abroad, and because Brian was gay didn't make him immune. There weren't too many people at the Come Back Inn on that Monday of finals week, and the scene was very casual. So that when we finally went to second bar, I should have assumed it was a gay bar. Maybe it was the fact I'd never been to a gay bar, or that the name Shamrocks doesn't have a ring to it like 'The Nut Bush' in Oak Park, but I'd been caught off guard. So I stayed close to Louise, half in an attempt to chat before I headed back to Chicago, half out of unwillingness to move around the room. Once I went to the bar to get a drink, the bar tender asked me for a second form of ID, which I didn't have, so I left. I walked the rest of the way back to my dorm, and I could only laugh when I told my floor mates to ask me about it in the morning. Only on a monday night of finals week in Madison, I suppose.

In my extensive studying, I've come across some goodies. Feast, but at your own risk, this game is both thoroughly addicting and time consuming.

The Impossible Quiz

Sunday, May 13, 2007


I'm fully aware that about every two to three posts, I express how busy I am, followed by complaining, then probably a little crying, and a post. Today is not much different, and I'm not going to mess with a recipe for perfection. It's finals week here in beautiful Madison, WI, and in a week I promised myself intensive studying and plenty of sleep. I've filled my quota for frisbee, beer, time on the terrace, going to car shows, and time on the internet, so all I've got left is studying. I've been studying solid for a week, and I think the most valuable thing I've learned is best way to fit a live Bulls mini-feed, music program, and Microsoft Word is to set the layout to normal instead of page on Word and put other programs on the right side of the screen. Decidedly.

In other news, I've been using a music program by the name of for the past few weeks. The idea is that you download the program, and whenever you play music it takes note of every song you listen to and records it to your profile. Then, based on what you listen to, the program puts recommendations based on your taste, and you can play it for free as a radio feed. Oh, that's not all. If you are looking for more music like a specific artist, you can listen to a 'radio station' of similiar artists. You can search any music by any word a user has tagged a song with. It's basically a way better version of the 'other listeners also liked' list. The shit is tight, and I feel a duty to share with loved ones.

In my book of sonnets Of Madison and Beauty, I explore into the balanced beauty of a bustling city at one with the warm sun and the peaceful lakes, but let it suffice to say it's the balls y'all. The terrace outside the union has got to be one of the best places in the country to relax on a lazy sunny afternoon. If you've never been, just take my word for it, because if we fight over it the terrorists win.

Fuck finals. Seriously.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

alberto gonzales

Alberto Gonzales is a dick. I don't consider myself in any way more qualified to comment on political morality than Sigourney Weaver or Dee Snyder, but if you haven't been keeping up with the story here's how it goes. Alberto Gonzales was appointed U.S. Attorney General by George W. Bush in February of 2005 after he served as Bush's Secretary of State during his administration in Texas. He serves as the head of the Justice Department and is well known for having NEVER reviewed a case in which new evidence has been presented (new shit has come to light) after a death sentence is applied. He's got a short list of accomplishments, namely:

1.) Stating on record that there is no express grant of Habeus Corpus in the U.S. Constitution. (The right to a trial to prevent wrongful imprisonment)

2.) Allowing the FBI to send "national security letters" instead of judicially approved subpoenas to get access to 20,000 Americans private records including phone tapping and e-mails.

3.) Firing 8 U.S. Attorneys who were either investigating Republican officials or were not prosecuting enough Democrats who could be replaced with "loyal Bushies" ( <- that's a real quote, I shit you not)

Basically this guy is the biggest D-Bag to hold public office since Jack Nicholson in Mars Attacks. Most of Congress has called for him to step down during his Senate hearing on his involvement in the firing of U.S. Attorneys, which is going on now. Feel free to write your Congressman/woman, bitches.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

IE and Barcelona

It's weeks since my last post and spring break has come and gone. The trip was a big success, as I got back to the US monday at midnight with all ten fingers and three testicles. I flew Air India through London to Shannon which I was obviously skeptical about(not as much about the flight being related to India as it not even being on the terminal map at O'Hare). I feel it a civic duty to inform the general public that Air India offers free alcohol the entire flight. I was cheated since I didn't realize until the last drink round that the booze was free and I could have earned back about 3/4 of the original flight price over the course of the seven and half hours. Only little orphan Annie knows the pain I felt. I got into Galway late that night, but the next day went with Katie and Kerry Donovan to the Cliffs of Moher, just another stunning beauty of the homeland.

Spain was flooring. Barcelona was one of the best cities I've seen. It feels very old but at the same time livable. We spent our nights out on Las Ramblas, a walking street with tons of bars and stores lining each street you passed. Coming from Ireland, the beer in Spain was a complete 180. Guiness to Estrella feels like when a child finally leaves diapers only to use Pull-Ups. To be honest, I don't think I've even let the trip sink in enough to discuss it in detail, but it's sufficient to say I was very pleased.


Knowledge Nuggets:

1.) The Irish make a mean cookie/biscuit with amazing prune-like abilities, aptly called Digestives.

2.) If Gabriel Garcia Marquez's One Hundred Years of Solitude teaches us anything, it's that fat people on airplanes should have to buy two seats.

3.) If you want to blend in with the locals around bar time, start with a piercing. Or six. If you're a girl, snort a few lines and cut your bangs with a razor blade on an angle. If your a guy, bring 1 bottle of hair gel for each 3 days you'll be there, and don't forget your Yankees gear!


In unrelated ranting, check these tunes out. I've been trying the "Other Listeners Also Bought" on iTunes, which is actually kind of nice. I am a tool.

Ruby - Kaiser Chiefs, for the "I watch European football on T.V. all the time...well, the Champions League..." kid.

Club Foot - Kasabian, for the Madden playing, culture seeking meathead.

This is War - Ben Kweller, for the Sha-Sha era Kweller lovers craving nostalgia.

Phantas(magoria) - Locke, for the magical realist inside, or unbridled amounts of phaser.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

an image to ponder

3 A.M. Monday Night

No sleep; I'll relax now
Cheerios and some Springer
naked in our den

Word homey.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

library, break, snake, video

Right now I'm sitting in the library enjoying a nice cup of Joseph and the ambiance of students who know how fucked they are for exams this week before spring break. I had the shittiest Italian class today. First, we have an exam tomorrow, yet somehow we had a quiz today? Of course I'm not prepared Renee Ann, I wasn't even there yesterday much less did I do the writing assignment you gave us one day for the night before a quiz and two days before an exam. Fuck you. And also, for the exam tomorrow, I want the anal probe with the abnormal bulges, not the one with the spikes, thanks. And, to boot, one of the many good looking girls in my class cut her beautiful hair which I liked to ogle. Great. Seriously, the girl had the hair of mid 80's Farrah Fawcett in her prime, and it's just not the same.

On the plus side though, I am getting excited for spring break. I've got some big plans, I get to visit my little big sister whose studying abroad in Galway, Ireland right now. I start by flying out of Chicago O'Hare Friday night, via Air India (bangerang), into London where I have a 9 hour layover. Luckily, an old friend of mine from the Yacht Club, Kerry Donovan, is studying in London now, so I have someone to hang out with while I'm there. Saturday night I fly out to Shannon, IE to meet Katie. We'll spend the weekend in Galway and then head to Dublin for a flight to Barcelona. The next week will be spent riding the hot Eurorail from Barca to Sevilla, Lisbon, and Madrid, getting a feel for the Spanish and Portuguese culture. And drinking, too. It really is a very busy trip, but Katie and I enjoy a good adventure.

In other news, Philip Seymour Hoffman has fallen ill. After Zach and I noticed a few weeks ago that his belly didn't shed right, I eventually called the Veterinary Teaching Hospital at UW for an appointment last Friday. He does indeed have dermatitis, a condition that basically came from bacteria in his substrate (the fake bark shit I put on the bottom of the cage) because it was too moist. The vet knocked him out and removed the bad scabby scales, and now twice daily Zach and I put a topical medicine on his belly. He also needs a shot of antibiotics every three days, which I have to give him. He will be ok though, and it was a lesson in using the right equipment in his cage. A lesson which cost more than the snake and his cage combined. Sweeeeeet.

I've been spending a lot of time on YouTube watching time-lapse videos, where people take pictures of themselves every day of the year and then put it in fast forward to music. They are pretty cool and remind me of those sweet time-lapse videos from junior high science with flowers blooming and wilting. Yes, I have kissed a girl before, and no, I'm not counting my mother.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

umphrey's, girl talk, and man man

Almost by accident, I went to two concerts this weekend. On Thursday, I went to the Umphrey's McGee show at The Orpheum. I bought the ticket months ago with a friend who is a much bigger fan, but I'd liked what I heard and enjoy going to concerts, so it was a no brainer. And, as expected, the show featured just as much the band as one of the native tribes of Madison, hippies. I've only been to one other show at the Orpheum, which was Yonder Mountain String Band in the fall, but I knew what to expect. I like jam bands and I am a big fan of hippies, but when the two meet in the Orpheum the whole is not equal to the sum of its parts, and I mean that in a less-than-impressive way. The concert turned out to be awesome (more rock than they normally do I guess?) even though people looked like they were about to pass out everywhere. For a band that has been touted as the next Phish, they lived up to the hype.

Saturday was a very long day. A friend of mine had his brothers in town so a couple of my teammates and I went to Reno 911:Miami on Saturday morning. The movie was perfect considering a.) the shape we got ourselves into after a long Friday night, b.) the movie cost $2.50. We played some baseketball and frisbee, ate some Jade Garden, then had a few beers before a free concert at Union South featuring Girl Talk and Man Man. I'd listened to some of Girl Talk's stuff, but was by no way familiar with what the show would be like. Man Man was like carnie music on percussion crack, but had a few moments of brilliance. Girl Talk was absolutely tight. Girl Talk is a guy named Gregg who mashes up everything from Romeo to Elton John to L.C.D. Sound System into some really sick tracks.

Since he only uses a laptop to set up the music, the entire stage is fair game as a dance floor. Not just the stage either, but literally everyone there was dancing with no remorse. Probably one of the best concert experiences overall, even though it only roughly qualifies as a concert rather than a dance party. As icing on the cake, turns out Ted Leo and the Pharmacists are coming to UW in late April! Chew on that, bitches.

In all the weekend was very pleasing, especially leading up to spring break. The best part is, I absolutely do not have crabs, no matter what anyone says.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

if you want a million dollars

So this week has been about as busy as any week gets for me, school-wise, or, "an academic buttfuck," as Newton would refer to it. Tuesday I had a 5-page paper due and an Italian exam. I had a journalism exam this morning (wednesday), and I have a geology exam on Friday. I've taken to staying in the library for hours on end, often leaving with a severe headache and a taste for blood. On monday, I came up with an idea that, at the time, seemed to reveal my life path to me. I'll explain all here, but I ask that if you are at all concerned about tearing the fabric of the space time continuum, do not read on. Otherwise, for a life of wealth and happiness and super model girlfriends, follow these easy steps:

1.) Accept the fact that at some point in human history, scientists will discover a way to manipulate time.

(Is this so hard to believe? Barring our extinction by nuclear holocaust, global warming, or AIDS it's fair to say humans could easily have many million more years ahead.)

2.) Promise yourself that if time travel becomes possible during your life, you will travel back to tell yourself the unrevealed truths of the universe. Super Bowl winners, NBA scores, MLB scores... Basically the Sports Almanac from Back to the Future.

3.) If time travel doesn't happen in your lifetime, bind yourself by blood to the fate of time travel, establishing that your descendants must break into science labs and do whatever necessary to secure a trip back to the past.

There you go, a fucking million dollars. You're welcome.

Monday, February 19, 2007

right hand, right eye

In truth, I believe that most accidents are avoidable. For instance, sure it might be an accident if you rear-end a car at a busy traffic light, but if you had really been paying attention you probably could have avoided it. Or if you are jumping on the trampoline with an a popsicle in your mouth, don't cry to me with your "fatal trachea wound," for I will not listen to your deafened cries. That said, I also acknowledge the difference between an accident, and sheer fate. To that end, I've come to believe that my right hand is going to murder my right eye. It has already taken a few stabs at it, quite literally. A couple weeks ago in the dining hall, I was walking past the cages where the mildly retarded eat, when I reached to scratch my forehead, which was suffering from an itch. I quickly learned however, that my right hand was brandishing a fork, and I jabbed the right eye a bit off center, only to find my dreamy deep eye sockets had saved yet another life.

To be honest, I don't much care for my right hand anyways. Oh yeah, that's right. Mainly, fuck things built for right hands, such as; scissors, desks, the sign of the cross, and the metric system. Everyone knows the old adage(< that word is definitely not used properly) of the nuns who would bitchslap(< used correctly) students with rulers for using their left hands. Today, I'd like to propose that the Esteemed Left-Handed People of Catholic School Systems or ELHPSS to those who are familiar, receive reparations for years of wrong-doing. Every member of the Catholic church knows the people who have been wronged by this egregious behavior have been deeply hurt.

To anyone who would like to learn more about joining the millions who demand change now, please e-mail me now at

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

back in black

Ahhh yes, as second semester is in full swing and I am now thoroughly convinced my mom has stopped reading the site, it's time for an update. It's been a few months since my last post, and thus futile to attempt to recap on all the goings-on since. Let's say it included but is not limited to Hawaii, the Super Bowl, Marquette, a mohawk, Christmas, a nickel in Chino, gout, two exorcisms, and an unsightly cold sore (I bumped my lip on a biscuit!). Anyways what is passed is passed. Now back to inevitably blogging again, it's as the Ten Commandments say, "Be true to thyself, and to thine own self be true."

I recently developed a new plan to create the ultimate address book. Why, you ask? I'll tell you why, but I'll also tell you to stop asking so many questions. I'm in charge here. I was recently told by several reliable sources that I am awful at keeping in touch with people. To be fair, this is true, I'm bad at remembering to call people back even minutes after they call. Also, I just set up my mac Mail application, and it would be nice to just have a real collection of peoples addresses, e-mails, and phone numbers. Plus, if anyone else needed to find someones e-mail or something and couldn't reach them, they'd know I had it. Anyways, if you think you are a relatively close friend of mine, or atleast a friendly diseased hooker, you can e-mail me at Alright, that's definitely enough housekeeping shit.

Anyways, I'm at the library now procrastinating again, so I'm going to get back to it. I'm back to posting though, so remember to remember that you are not checking on it with any regularity. Thanks.