Tuesday, February 27, 2007

if you want a million dollars

So this week has been about as busy as any week gets for me, school-wise, or, "an academic buttfuck," as Newton would refer to it. Tuesday I had a 5-page paper due and an Italian exam. I had a journalism exam this morning (wednesday), and I have a geology exam on Friday. I've taken to staying in the library for hours on end, often leaving with a severe headache and a taste for blood. On monday, I came up with an idea that, at the time, seemed to reveal my life path to me. I'll explain all here, but I ask that if you are at all concerned about tearing the fabric of the space time continuum, do not read on. Otherwise, for a life of wealth and happiness and super model girlfriends, follow these easy steps:

1.) Accept the fact that at some point in human history, scientists will discover a way to manipulate time.

(Is this so hard to believe? Barring our extinction by nuclear holocaust, global warming, or AIDS it's fair to say humans could easily have many million more years ahead.)

2.) Promise yourself that if time travel becomes possible during your life, you will travel back to tell yourself the unrevealed truths of the universe. Super Bowl winners, NBA scores, MLB scores... Basically the Sports Almanac from Back to the Future.

3.) If time travel doesn't happen in your lifetime, bind yourself by blood to the fate of time travel, establishing that your descendants must break into science labs and do whatever necessary to secure a trip back to the past.

There you go, a fucking million dollars. You're welcome.

Monday, February 19, 2007

right hand, right eye

In truth, I believe that most accidents are avoidable. For instance, sure it might be an accident if you rear-end a car at a busy traffic light, but if you had really been paying attention you probably could have avoided it. Or if you are jumping on the trampoline with an a popsicle in your mouth, don't cry to me with your "fatal trachea wound," for I will not listen to your deafened cries. That said, I also acknowledge the difference between an accident, and sheer fate. To that end, I've come to believe that my right hand is going to murder my right eye. It has already taken a few stabs at it, quite literally. A couple weeks ago in the dining hall, I was walking past the cages where the mildly retarded eat, when I reached to scratch my forehead, which was suffering from an itch. I quickly learned however, that my right hand was brandishing a fork, and I jabbed the right eye a bit off center, only to find my dreamy deep eye sockets had saved yet another life.

To be honest, I don't much care for my right hand anyways. Oh yeah, that's right. Mainly, fuck things built for right hands, such as; scissors, desks, the sign of the cross, and the metric system. Everyone knows the old adage(< that word is definitely not used properly) of the nuns who would bitchslap(< used correctly) students with rulers for using their left hands. Today, I'd like to propose that the Esteemed Left-Handed People of Catholic School Systems or ELHPSS to those who are familiar, receive reparations for years of wrong-doing. Every member of the Catholic church knows the people who have been wronged by this egregious behavior have been deeply hurt.

To anyone who would like to learn more about joining the millions who demand change now, please e-mail me now at napleton@wisc.edu

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

back in black

Ahhh yes, as second semester is in full swing and I am now thoroughly convinced my mom has stopped reading the site, it's time for an update. It's been a few months since my last post, and thus futile to attempt to recap on all the goings-on since. Let's say it included but is not limited to Hawaii, the Super Bowl, Marquette, a mohawk, Christmas, a nickel in Chino, gout, two exorcisms, and an unsightly cold sore (I bumped my lip on a biscuit!). Anyways what is passed is passed. Now back to inevitably blogging again, it's as the Ten Commandments say, "Be true to thyself, and to thine own self be true."

I recently developed a new plan to create the ultimate address book. Why, you ask? I'll tell you why, but I'll also tell you to stop asking so many questions. I'm in charge here. I was recently told by several reliable sources that I am awful at keeping in touch with people. To be fair, this is true, I'm bad at remembering to call people back even minutes after they call. Also, I just set up my mac Mail application, and it would be nice to just have a real collection of peoples addresses, e-mails, and phone numbers. Plus, if anyone else needed to find someones e-mail or something and couldn't reach them, they'd know I had it. Anyways, if you think you are a relatively close friend of mine, or atleast a friendly diseased hooker, you can e-mail me at napleton@wisc.edu. Alright, that's definitely enough housekeeping shit.

Anyways, I'm at the library now procrastinating again, so I'm going to get back to it. I'm back to posting though, so remember to remember that you are not checking on it with any regularity. Thanks.