Tuesday, February 27, 2007

if you want a million dollars

So this week has been about as busy as any week gets for me, school-wise, or, "an academic buttfuck," as Newton would refer to it. Tuesday I had a 5-page paper due and an Italian exam. I had a journalism exam this morning (wednesday), and I have a geology exam on Friday. I've taken to staying in the library for hours on end, often leaving with a severe headache and a taste for blood. On monday, I came up with an idea that, at the time, seemed to reveal my life path to me. I'll explain all here, but I ask that if you are at all concerned about tearing the fabric of the space time continuum, do not read on. Otherwise, for a life of wealth and happiness and super model girlfriends, follow these easy steps:

1.) Accept the fact that at some point in human history, scientists will discover a way to manipulate time.

(Is this so hard to believe? Barring our extinction by nuclear holocaust, global warming, or AIDS it's fair to say humans could easily have many million more years ahead.)

2.) Promise yourself that if time travel becomes possible during your life, you will travel back to tell yourself the unrevealed truths of the universe. Super Bowl winners, NBA scores, MLB scores... Basically the Sports Almanac from Back to the Future.

3.) If time travel doesn't happen in your lifetime, bind yourself by blood to the fate of time travel, establishing that your descendants must break into science labs and do whatever necessary to secure a trip back to the past.

There you go, a fucking million dollars. You're welcome.

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