In truth, I believe that most accidents are avoidable. For instance, sure it might be an accident if you rear-end a car at a busy traffic light, but if you had really been paying attention you probably could have avoided it. Or if you are jumping on the trampoline with an a popsicle in your mouth, don't cry to me with your "fatal trachea wound," for I will not listen to your deafened cries. That said, I also acknowledge the difference between an accident, and sheer fate. To that end, I've come to believe that my right hand is going to murder my right eye. It has already taken a few stabs at it, quite literally. A couple weeks ago in the dining hall, I was walking past the cages where the mildly retarded eat, when I reached to scratch my forehead, which was suffering from an itch. I quickly learned however, that my right hand was brandishing a fork, and I jabbed the right eye a bit off center, only to find my dreamy deep eye sockets had saved yet another life.
To be honest, I don't much care for my right hand anyways. Oh yeah, that's right. Mainly, fuck things built for right hands, such as; scissors, desks, the sign of the cross, and the metric system. Everyone knows the old adage(< that word is definitely not used properly) of the nuns who would bitchslap(< used correctly) students with rulers for using their left hands. Today, I'd like to propose that the Esteemed Left-Handed People of Catholic School Systems or ELHPSS to those who are familiar, receive reparations for years of wrong-doing. Every member of the Catholic church knows the people who have been wronged by this egregious behavior have been deeply hurt.
To anyone who would like to learn more about joining the millions who demand change now, please e-mail me now at napleton@wisc.edu
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